You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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