Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
