I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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