note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
did i walk over a car last night?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
