I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
