the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
