what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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