I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
