he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wear drunk well.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
