Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found your dick twin last night
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
