She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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