either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
