it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
