if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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