At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
