just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
