I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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