Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
