Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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