did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
