dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
