our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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