The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Drunk is not a location!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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