Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
