I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
