just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
