Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
