How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
