epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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