You smell like a Billy Joel song
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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