i just sent this text using only my big toe
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize