If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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