Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
