She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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