My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
