so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
