I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
