i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize