Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
