I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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