The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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