Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
