Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
