do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
