so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
