i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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