as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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