dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
