i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
