Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
