I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
