I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
