Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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