you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
