all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
