Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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