Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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