I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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