My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
